Labels
by Khaki is the New Black
Summary: Piper and Alex engage in banter concerning how the rest of the world sees them. Alex is much happier about the labels that pertain to her than Piper is. This only makes Alex happier and Piper more annoyed. Vauseman fluffy one-shot.


It was strange that despite being in prison Piper Chapman had begun to collect an increasing number of good memories. Her misconceptions and speculations about prison and her life were spiraling away by the day. It wasn't a surprise that this number of happy moments had skyrocketed in the last couple of weeks. She had gotten back together with her ex-girlfriend, Alex Vause. There was a new stability, for now, keeping her feet firmly on the ground. This enabled her head to go wandering.

In times like this, sitting with Alex in comforting silence, Piper's thoughts could stray off in serious or seemingly random directions.

Today, her thoughts were mostly trivial, and she just wanted to talk to Alex. Alex would listen to her rambles all day long and didn't seem bothered by it at all. That was just one of the things Piper had missed about Alex, whether she admitted it in their time of separation or not, Alex always listened and that was a rarity in Piper's life. It allowed her to well and truly relax and just be happy.

'I've been thinking, if you're the 'hot one', who am I?' Piper asked her girlfriend. 'The funny one, right?'

Alex burst out laughing. 'No way. I'm the only one who laughs at your jokes.'

Piper pouted. 'But you laugh at me, not with me.'

Alex didn't stop grinning. 'You're hilarious, Pipes, but not on purpose. I'm the hot one _and_ the funny one.'

'What? No. Making yourself laugh doesn't count. I don't find you funny.'

'But everyone else does,' Alex pointed out.

'They're still just laughing at my expense because you're teasing me. You're the cruel one.'

Alex rolled her eyes but then thought about it. 'Fine. You're the... blonde one.'

Piper was even less pleased with that, she already got tons of nicknames attributed to her hair colour (and everything else about her). 'But that's just _mundane_. And as a matter of fact that makes me sound stereotypically dumb. That's like me saying you're the blind one.'

Alex continued to grin. 'That's true, though.'

'You're blunt,' she fired back flatly.

'You're sarcastic.'

'You're sarcastic too, that's not defining enough.'

Alex raised an eyebrow. 'What does it matter?'

Piper half shrugged in reply. It didn't really matter to her when she brought it up, although now she couldn't let the thought go. Alex's teasing was making Piper more worked up, which was probably the intention. 'I'm just imagining how people see us.'

That's what you do in prison. You question how the world sees you. And then you don't care. Although she was still working on that last part.

Alex shrugged. 'That's easy. We're a hot mess. I'm the hot, you're the mess.'

Piper was unimpressed. 'You're the _old_ one.'

'Please, the gap isn't big enough.'

'But you call me kid.'

'Because you're naive and I have more life experience.'

That deflated Piper because she agreed with everything her girlfriend was saying - she always did, even if she denied it (which was more often than not).

Alex witnessed her mood swing from annoyed-but-happy to almost-depressed and attempted to appease her. 'You're the cute one, Pipes.'

Piper pursed her lips in thought. 'Can I be the smart one?'

'You are the smart one.'

'_Really?_'

Alex was smart. Piper knew that very well. Alex was one of those annoyingly intelligent people who didn't have to put in a lot of effort to go far. Unlike Piper, who worked hard for every 'Brain' or 'College' label thrown her way - and that wasn't done with much kindness. Alex managed to come off as cool and smart, effortlessly. Imagining her girlfriend as the _hot, funny, cool, smart one_ was an even a bigger blow to her ego.

'Yes. That's why we laugh at you. Your jokes are way too high-brow for this place. You're the philosophical one.'

Piper smiled to herself. If Alex thought highly of her then did it really matter? Besides, Alex was her girlfriend, even if she was annoyingly perfect sometimes she was still _her girlfriend_ and that had pros. The fact that Alex loved her outweighed most of what other people said about her.

Their relationship had grown in new ways since they found each other again in prison. Piper felt like she could do so much more and that she would go to great lengths to protect what they now had.

'Who's the protective one?' She threw the idea out there.

'Me,' Alex stated matter-of-factly.

'I think it's me.'

Alex raised a single eyebrow and tilted her head, but failed to hide the glint of amusement still dancing in her eyes. 'Oh, really?'

'Yes. Prison has toughened me up. I'm the hard one now.'

Alex smirked. 'That's it. Don't mess with the cute one or she'll mess you up.'

Even if Piper liked to think she was the 'hard one', or controversially the 'cute one' as Alex kept saying, she was constantly teased to the point of blushing or defensive quips. '...I'm still the dork, aren't I?'

'Oh yes. And I'm still the badass.'

And that would likely always be true. Piper mock-frowned. 'I don't like you.'

'Bad liar.'

'Deadpan.'

'Narcissist.'

'Pragmatist.'

Alex watched her, still smug, still amused, and after a moment of basking in the banter she added, 'You're the jealous one.'

'I don't get jealous.'

Alex raised an eyebrow.

It was a complete lie. She got _so_ jealous. She would get jealous of men that liked Alex too much, let alone women, even if the brunette had zero interest in them. 'You can't go around flirting with other women when you're dating me, Alex.'

If Alex's expression was supposed to display innocence, it failed completely. 'I can't help it if I draw attention.'

'Yes but you laugh or smile at the idiots, you should say: "I have a girlfriend".'

'I do.' Alex shrugged.

'And then you wink. That sends very mixed signals... You're the flirty one and the annoying one and the confusing one and the controlling one,' she rambled on.

'Hey, at least I'm consistent, WASP.'

Piper begrudgingly accepted that. 'We are both terrible people.'

Alex shrugged in uncaring agreement.

They sat there in silence again. Piper finally began to calm down.

'Oh, I've got it,' Alex said.

Piper was sceptical. This sounded like another set up for a teasing comment if she didn't know any better.

'You're the short one.'

'_God damn it,_ _Alex_! You're the one not getting laid for _so_ long.'

It was probably an empty threat, a remark like that was something Alex loved to prove wrong.

Piper had never thought that about it like this. Alex being slightly taller did in fact make her the 'short one' by comparison. She glared at Alex. Briefly, she wished Alex was shorter and less good-looking. That thought lasted mere seconds. She wouldn't want anything physical about Alex to change ever. She _loved_ having the tall, hot girlfriend.

'Boring,' Alex teased.

'Sex-obsessed.'

'I can't help it. My girlfriend is really attractive, it's such a turn-on.'

Piper stared. Alex was good with looks and words when she wanted to be. It was annoying, but Piper wouldn't change that either. 'You're the smooth one too... Why do you get all the exciting adjectives?'

'Yin and yang.'

'Everyone's a bit of both yin and yang.'

Alex gestured to Piper and then at herself. 'Good. Bad.'

Piper sighed. 'I'm not a good person.'

Alex held her gaze and this time her smile was much less teasing. 'You are to me.'

It meant a lot to her, but Piper wouldn't say that right now. 'But you are so far gone when it comes to morals, I don't think you can really judge.'

'We decide who we are. Nobody can judge you, Piper.'

Alex had always had that attitude. You didn't like her, she didn't care. Piper was only just coming around to having a similar thought process. Even then, there was one person's viewpoint that _always_ mattered. 'Apart from you?'

Alex smiled. 'I will judge you, and I will tease you, and I will love you.'

Piper moved in to kiss her girlfriend, slow and loving. When she pulled away, she smiled.

Alex smirked. 'I'm the good kisser.'

Piper frowned. 'And I was just about to say that you were the sweet one!'

'I am the sweet one. I'm the romantic one. Can you believe that?' Alex shook her head in disbelief.

Alex was always spilling her feelings. Piper had become so used to it that she was desensitised. She knew Alex wasn't like this with anybody else and that when they were truly alone, Alex was completely open. Even if Alex still teased her, Piper knew that Alex just enjoyed getting funny reactions from her and to be honest... making Alex laugh or smile was so worth the rush of anger or the embarrassed flush of her cheeks.

Piper smiled at her girlfriend. 'I'm the lucky one.'

Alex smiled back at her. 'You are.'

Piper faked more anger and Alex continued to grin.

They were a lot of things. The main thing, though, and really the only thing that mattered, was that they were both _happy_.

* * *

**Author Notes:**

I am a sucker for lengthy conversations and minimal descriptions... I'm also a sucker for fluffy writing and happy endings. I didn't know where this was going (which you can tell, it starts going a bit iffy in the middle) but then I found an end-point. Not giving it as much afterthought as it should have had, I uploaded it right away. I really do love the Vauseman relationship, especially when they're happy, soft and carefree - any reactions they bring out of each other, like no one else can, are gold.

Thank you for reading.


End file.
